saja expressing.

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

May each and every one of you whom love me, hate me and the people around the world are in best condition and may Allah bless us all. Been so long since I lasted blog, I miss blogging. Actually right after my last paper the feeling to blog and expressing my thought strikes me so hard. But then I neglected the feeling. For during that time I’m so busy with my preparation to go back to home. Now that I’m home, I almost forgot about everything. I was really happy with my family. Dad , mum and adie. Literally they are all I have in this world. I should value them more than any of other worldly things. Alhamdullilah Alhamdullilah. I’m a daughter I’m a sister and being a first born is NEVER easy. I told you seriously. I am so fortune to realize this earlier. Before it was too late. Alhamdullilah. My father was so happy to see the change in me. 

What’s changes did I made to myself. Well there are too many. And Alhamdullilah they are all for good. I changed for the better me. Alhamdullilah. I’m not saying that I’m good it just that I’m now a better version of me. I’m not comparing myself to any other,  I’m comparing myself to the old me. Alhamdullilah before I die I got the chances to fix my wrongdoings, I chose to leave the usual road that I took to travel. I try my hardest to forget everything. I long for my parent and I was in a deep guilty to my siblings. I treat them so damn badly. I never really lead them to the right way. As a sister I had terribly failed to be their role model. As time goes by,  this thought suddenly come and visit me. Let’s say after I succeed what benefits would I generate from all the victories. As a matter of fact, we’re all gonna die. All those achievement is useless after you gone. I suddenly think about death. And it absolutely scares me to death. What if I die today? I have never perform my salah, I was such a bad kid. 

How am I going to survive in my grave? How am I going to sleep soundly in my grave when all my life I’ve been doing things that lead me to the hellfire. I’m not going to rest in my grave. I will get punish for the thing I did. If I did good then my grave will be a perfect place for me to rest until the day of resurrection. Isn’t good to have a good rest after you been so tired working non-stop in dunya. I thought about this thing.. I want to rest peacefully in my grave and in order to win this I had to do good things in my life. And by good things I mean , first thing first you have to obey you parents. Well, of course for me even until now it’s still a hard thing to do. Sometimes when my mum said no and my father mad at me I failed to react positively. I locked myself in room and go out after two hours of rebel plus sulking in my style. Such a waste.. I know. 

But then I collected myself and get back to myself again. The next time I try not to do it again and decide to just take it easy when my parent mad at me. I read this one book, and the author said “try to avoid any argument when it comes to your parent” respect you parent regardless of their age. Never try to provoke them. Always remember “ Redha Allah , terletak pada redha kedua orang tua” berbakti lah pada orang tua. Do good to them. My biggest respect and my love are for my mum and dad for the rest of my life. InsyaAllah. And then in order for me to have a better rest in the next life I need to do good in my action...I believe most of us aware of  this but then we always seem forget this fact. Even though I knew all of these.. I still failed to do good. What a terrible person am I. Sometimes I felt like want to just give up everything. You know give up you five times daily prayer. Give up doing good deeds. Because sometimes I felt like all of those good deeds I did was such a waste. But then I collected myself again. *it's just a never ending cycle. all you have to do is be patient with a beautiful patient. 

“Verily Allah doesn’t count on how the result will be.. What count is the effort we put in” indeed Allah is the most merciful and the most forgiver. Let’s just don’t give up on our salah. No matter how far we’ve crossed the line always and always come back to the straight path. I always remind myself of this.. apa apa di dunia ini kalau bukan berpaksi kan Dia yang maha ESA. Maka sia sia la semuanya. Moga moga kita semua sentiasa di bawah rahmah yang maha kuasa.. amin ya rabb.

Mudah kan mau buat baik. Jum la sama amalkan.

P/s : bukan berkhutba cuba betuli diri jua. Aku hanya lah pendosa tegar.. looking for  Allah’s redha di bumiNYA.